Wrestling with God...

This is LONG but I ask that you keep reading because in my little world, this is BIG, actually HUGE!

Wrestling with God…anyone that goes to my church has heard that phrase more times this year than probably in their entire lives combined. My church has been on a journey of growth and change for quite a while and this year it really went big with the Movement to Multiply. The underlying point is a capital campaign to pay off debt and enable the church to grow out in abundance. In order to reach people for Christ, we must grow out, so it makes perfect sense. So Bruce (our senior pastor) began to ask everyone to commit to a deeper level of communication with God for a time period of 2 weeks. During this time you were to pray about how God might want you to be involved in this movement. Bruce called this “wrestling with God” and mentioned the story of Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32.

Of course, Bruce had no idea that I’d been wrestling with God for months already! Back in January, I reached the point of total loss in how to help my son succeed in school. Driving from Sherman to McKinney is a long trip, so I decided that I’d drive in complete silence and listen for God to speak to me. I cried out, “Lord, my ideas are all gone; you have to tell me exactly what to do for my son!” (If you don’t know the background of my son, just know that school has always been a struggle for him and he’s 10 now.) As I drove along in silence, I was literally crying and waiting for God to speak to me. Now, I’ve prayed many times before and have felt the hands of God but I wouldn’t say that I’m really good at discerning His voice. Suddenly, more clear than at any other time in my life, God told me to homeschool my children (not just this son, all 3 children). Of course, I immediately began to argue with Him and doubt my sanity.

And thus began my adventure; my wrestling with God.

I have always worked. I’m a teacher because that’s what God told me to do. How could I stay home? We NEED my income! After moments of arguing and doubting, a name popped in my head; it was a friend from church (not a close friend but someone that I respected and would love to be better friends with). I didn’t even think I had her number. Finally, I checked my contacts and found her husband’s name. After a few more minutes of arguing, I dialed the number. Sure enough, she answered! She probably thought I was crazy. All I remember is telling her that God told me to call her and crying. She was so great! I gave her a little bit of the story and we made plans to get together the next week.

This friend gave me all sorts of information and committed to joining me in prayer about the situation. Since then, we’ve become better friends and I look forward to growing together. Also, I enlisted another friend (really a sister, just not biologically) to pray for this situation as well. I don’t have sufficient words to express my gratitude for their support and encouragement in this journey!

Surely I had lost my mind or hallucinated. I have a tendency to be extreme in everything, so maybe God just wanted me to make my kids a bigger priority and give up other commitments. Believe me; I looked for every possible way that I could have misunderstood God’s direction. I began to read a book called “Discerning the Voice of God,” started the study “Called and Accountable,” and prayed with everything I had. I really needed to know for sure that I had heard God.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to homeschool my kids. I know it would be good for them but it also comes with a lot of responsibility. What if I failed them? Could I really be organized and diligent enough to educate 3 children on my own? And of course, there’s that one HUGE problem. We NEED my income! At the point that this wrestling with God began, Floyd didn’t even have a job. Now he has a job and God has been gracious but it still couldn’t meet our needs on its own (at least not on paper).

All through my efforts to figure this out, the direction never changed. In fact, it just became more and more clear. God wants me to homeschool my kids. While Floyd knew that I was praying about this, I hadn’t really told him the depth of this issue. I was being tormented! That’s the best way I can describe it. My mind never had a moment’s peace! Finally, I had to tell him. I needed him to pray hard because I needed God to give him the answer. He’s the head of the house and God uses our spouses to communicate with us. I needed Floyd to be in this conversation. This is not a decision I could make on my own.

Meanwhile, the church wanted us to wrestle with God about the movement to multiply. To be frank, I really didn’t want another thing to wrestle with God about. I had been wrestling for 4 months at this point. Ironically, Floyd and I finally made a decision about homeschooling just weeks before the leaders were to make their commitments. I was going to resign from my job, my very secure job. While other teachers are praying that they have a job, I was going to walk away. To say the least, if we wrote down a commitment of $5 it would be a stretch. That five dollars would have to come straight from the hands of God. Never the less, God gave us a number. I won’t go into detail but it’s definitely a far cry from $5.

So, where’s all this going? I have no idea! We made our commitment to the church and I’ve officially resigned from Sherman. I’ve registered the kids for a local homeschool group so that we’re connected and accountable. The kids and I are very excited. We even joke about having to live in a tent when we lose our house. My daughter has given our homeschool the name “Leap of Faith Christian Academy” because that’s exactly what we’re doing; taking a leap of faith.

I don’t know how it’s going to work out. I can’t do any magic math to make the finances work. When I think about the money, I’m terrified. I start to doubt whether I really heard God. Then I quickly remember the months of prayer and the tormenting. I am at peace with this decision (as long as I’m not focused on money). I feel in my soul that this is the right decision. I know it is completely illogical but I also know that God’s thoughts are higher than ours. It doesn’t have to make sense.

I feel like Abraham might have when God told him to leave his home. He had no idea where he was going but he went. Since I know that God never fails us, I can only sit back and wait to see His work in this. I’d really like a five or ten year plan (heck, at this point, one year would be nice) but He’s asking me to take one day at a time. I realize that it could be bad, from a worldly perspective. We may struggle financially or maybe He’ll move in ways that are beyond our imagination. Either way, as long as I’m in His hands, I will not fear!

breaking the silence

It's been months since I've actually said anything (at least on the blog). I have had a lot going through my mind but find that I'm being told to be quiet (or maybe I'm just reluctant to say what I'm really thinking). If you keep reading, prepare yourself because the gate has been opened and I do not know what might flow forth.

First, I've been wrestling with God for several months on a particular command that I heard quite clearly. It was one of the most clear moments of my life and yet it is also one of the scariest. Could He have really said what I heard? I must be completely confused! It makes absolutely no sense, at least from any human perspective. (Yes, I'm being vague and no, I won't come out in this post. It's not time yet but read on.) I've wrestled way more than I let on to anyone. I did finally open a little more to my dear friend Lisa and to Floyd. Once I did that, the decision came much faster. Floyd and I finally made a decision less than a week ago. Of course, only a few days later Floyd was hospitalized with Pancreatitis and it was plenty of reason for us to start doubting our decision. What would this be like if it had happened a few months from now? Throughout this past few days, God has demonstrated His active role in our lives. I can't even begin to tell all the amazing things He's done just in two days. Believe me, if you run into me around town, I might talk your ear off in my excitement! It seems to have confirmed our decision and we are still in agreement. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll know soon enough.

Second, I've had two things really bothering me for a couple of months now. First, I have come to appreciate audiobooks and having the Bible on cd. I listen to them as I drive to work and around town. A lot of my listening had to do with hearing the Holy Spirit and with the Apostles. After Jesus ascended to heaven and the Holy Spirit came, the people were on fire (not literally). The apostles set out to share the message and new believers were told to join in the effort. The people were radical. To everyone else they seemed completely crazy! The visual I have is someone adding feul to a fire and fanning the flames.

Now, in our world, it seems that we're always asking people to be logical. Someone shares something exciting and we start asking questions to see if it makes sense. We try to calm them down because of course we don't want others to think they're crazy. We don't want them to seem like a religious freak or a Bible beater. We're worried that it doesn't make financial sense or it doesn't look good on paper.

For the last few months I've had this on my mind. I don't want to be a calm-down kind of person. I want to hear someone's excitement and add fuel to the fire! Of course, I want to be directed by God but I'd rather err on the side of reacting with passion as opposed to looking at everything logically or not reacting at all out of fear or uncertainty. The Bible makes it clear that His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. It makes me wonder, if we can make sense of everything in our lives, maybe we're missing something. Maybe we haven't really been responding to His call. Something should be beyond our logic.

Now, I know some of you might be getting a little worried. I've never really been described as a calm person before and I really do enjoy being a bit crazy. I'm always telling my children that crazy is a good thing. I feel that it is only right to prepare them because with Floyd and I as their parents, they don't have much chance of not being crazy. (I know that sounds like I'm being silly but I mean it sincerely.) I wish I could offer you comfort but, alas, I cannot. I'm feeling a desire to be more radical. To step out more for God. To really lean on Him and respond to His calling and go wherever it leads. Who knows where that will take us.

The second thing on my mind is really just the result of some life lessons that I've experienced several times. This may be hard to explain, so bear with me. For some reason, one of the gifts that God has given me is to look at a situation and see it without any bias. I can have a conversation on any topic and get as heated as you can imagine and have no personal feelings of negativity towards anyone involved in the conversation. It really boils down to an ability to speak the truth without any strings attached. Often times this gets me in trouble. I really enjoy debate and I truely believe that to learn we must participate in active discourse with those who feel differently than we do. Unfortunately, I've learned that most people can't have a candid conversation without attaching feelings to it. It usually ends up in one of two ways. 1) I walk away feeling pumped up because I greatly enjoyed a great debate and now have more research to do. I have to go look into the points that the other person brought up because it's great for personal growth. The other person walks away feeling like we just got into a huge argument and they have hurt feelings or are angry or some other form of negative feelings. Or 2) I walk away feeling like I got no where because I was simply trying to point out a particular area that could be improved or done differently and the other person didn't seem to want to hear anything or thought I was just being difficult.

It's hard to get people to understand that you're just telling them what you see because it could make a difference. Of course, if they disagree with my thoughts, I'm okay with that. I just want to point it out and move on. I'd hate to regret it later because I didn't say something that could have made a difference. I'm always checking myself and praying for clarity on my motivation. Frequently, I just keep my mouth shut because I know that most people don't really want to hear the truth. Or they don't want to hear an opinion outside their own.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people do the same thing the same way simply because that's the way they do it. That makes absolutely no sense! If we want to be logical, we should start by recognizing that change is difficult but good. Also, I believe that variety is a good thing. Mix things up and keep people guessing. Our brain is so intricate. We need repition for learning but we also need variety for our imagination and to keep us interested. Also, God made people so different. We all have commonalities but we are created by a creative God. For example, we are all designed to live in relationship with others but we form relationships with different kinds of people and in different ways. I may connect more in a certain form that completely turns off another person. As a leader/teacher/etc. we must recognize this difference. We must look beyond our own method of connection and look pass the "squeaky wheels" (a term of endearment for those that speak up for themselves). Our first tendency is to teach/lead/communicate in the way that we prefer and the second is to respond to the requests of the "squeaky wheels." As a teacher, if I don't notice my quiet students that don't say much, they will leave my classroom having never made a connection. How sad that I missed such an amazing opportunity. The same could be said in a life group or church or any other setting.

Wow, I'm not even sure how many different tangents I've been on in this post but if you've read this far, I'd be glad to hear your thoughts. As stated above, I'm curious to hear if you agree or disagree with anything. :) Perhaps this longevity is the reason that I don't write often. Or maybe I should write more often to avoid this longevity :) Either way, so long for now.

What am I thankful for???

Wow, how to narrow it down? I'm thankful for grace, for calm in the storm, for a stable job that gives me some purpose, for having a home and a car and food to eat and an electric bill.

For Floyd and the amazing friendship we have-he's my bff; he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don't want too; he lifts my spirit and stirs my soul when I get to hear him singing praise to my King; he ignores my crazy behavior; he shares in my joy and in my pain; he overlooks my flaws; he loves me as best he can; he loves God and is learning to love Him even more.

For Raegan, she cracks me up with her fancy vocabulary, amazes me with all her stories and creative ideas, touches my heart with her care and concern for others, and blesses me with mom and daughter time.

For Troy, he makes me laugh like nobody else can and doesn't even realize that he's funny, he teaches me patience and perseverance in working through his learning disabilities, he amazes me with his gentle and kind heart, he is a unique guy with so much character.

For Tyler, he makes me laugh because he is a clown and loves to entertain, he makes me feel special because he always wants to hug me and says he loves me at the most random times, he reminds me that time goes by so fast because he's the youngest.

For all 3 children because they all remind me that God makes every person different for a reason. Each one is perfect the way they are. God doesn't make mistakes so every detail in their personality is exactly the way it's suppose to be. I pray that we all remain healthy and live long enough to see how God is going to use all their little idiosyncrasies to benefit His kingdom.

For friends, God has blessed me with so many in the last few years. I cherish each one for different reasons. Just like I was saying about the kids, each friend has a special purpose in my life. I'm not a very good friend because I get busy and lose track of time (hours, days, weeks, and even months or years) yet my friends are still there. They reach out to me and don't let me get too far away. I am so grateful for that because I really do treasure each one. Though I think of them so often, I'm no good at reaching out and staying connected.

For God, He saved me, He forgives me, He builds me up and wants me to be better, He doesn't settle for less than my all, He loves me, He provides for all my needs, He created me, He saved my marriage and my family, He exceeds my expectations, He never fails, He never gives up, He is faithful, He has a plan for me and it is good, He gives me strength, He is.

the clock keeps ticking

Wow, when I went on to post this blog I saw that my last post was in April. That's kind of sad. It seems that time passes way too quickly. All of my intentions may be great but what good are great intentions? The only thing that really counts is action. As I ponder all that has been accomplished in the last two months, so many of the things seem like forever ago. Even the last week of school seems like a distant memory. I can definitely say that last week at Camp His Way was amazing and I'll cherish those memories for a life time! It was also great preparation for my mission trip. I know that God had this in His plan all along.

As I spent time with those kids and prayed with them during chapel, I realized that I can reach out and share in the pain and suffering of others, I can share in their joy and celebrations, I guess I just learned that I really can share in their lives. This probably doesn't make sense, so here's my best attempt at explaining. I knew that could feel empathy or excitement for others but what I wasn't sure about was to go before my Father on their behalf, right then, out loud, in public, where they can hear me and I can totally get lost in the moment. I was amazed at how many times I was brought to tears while praying with these children. God gave me the words to say, just as he has so many times in the past. I know that when I'm out there in the middle of nowhere on that mission, I'll see so many things that I can't yet imagine but I also know that God will be there with the right words for the moment. Perhaps there won't be any words and he'll give me the right touch or look or who knows what. The point is, he'll provide. I have nothing to fear.

Floyd leaves for Uganda in 10 days. I am amazed how time has passed and God has changed us in so many ways. To look back on where we've been and how far away Floyd was, I am astonished by the changes. In ten days he'll get on a plane and travel half-way around the world to share the love of Christ. He doesn't like to fly; he had aboslutely no desire to ever leave the US for any reason, even leisure, let alone a mission; and we definitely are not in a position financially to make all of this happen. God has provided a great deal of his funding already and we're trusting that God will provide the rest in the next 10 days. It is all just so amazing.

Raegan and I will leave for South Dakota in 7 weeks. The more we learn about our destination, the more I realize what we're up against. When you here South Dakota you think, "ok, no big deal." I'm shocked to discover that our conditions there will be as bad as those in Uganda. The dark forces definitely have a stronghold. As we get closer, Raegan and I both get more nervous. We're trusting God to protect us and our team. We're praying that he'll prepare the hearts and minds of the people to hear and see His love through us.

Anyway, this is getting long and I really don't have the words to describe what I'm feeling. God's work in my life is beyond amazing and I could never express my gratitude sufficiently. Fortunately, I know that all I have to do is accept His grace.

my mission field

I'm a math teacher because God told me that's what he wanted me to do. Believe me, I fought it. I thought of plenty of other things I could do to work and make a difference but I knew what I was "supposed" to do. Finally, I accepted it and I've been doing it now for 6 years. Even though teen-agers bring plenty of challenges (especially mass quantities of other people's teen-agers) I always have peace and comfort because I know this is what God wants me to do.

However, I have another desire. It's to go out into the world and introduce people to Christ. To be His hands and feet! Don't misunderstand me, I'm terrified of it! BUT I totally long to do it. When my kids are older, I want to be financially free (no debt and all that), so that I can use all that time off that teachers get to be on mission for God. Don't get me wrong, with so many kids coming through my door everyday, I know that God can use me in His own way to reach them. I definitely pray that he does. I know I don't measure up and I need to keep working on it. But for some reason the foreign mission field just calls my name. I don't ever see myself not teaching, so I'm not really thinking that a long term mission is calling my name. But I can see multitudes of short term trips. I know that everyday is a gift from God, so I could not even be on this planet long enough to see my children grown but if God leaves me here, I want to make a difference. An eternal difference!

Now to completely turn the topic, in my desire to go on mission trips in the future, I have to pay attention that I'm not missing my role right now. My classroom is a mission field and I must keep that in the front of my mind at all times. I admit, I don't think I do that great of a job. I know I've made a difference for some kids but I'm not on fire like I should be. If you're reading this, please pray that I respond to this calling with more passion and energy! Pray for me to be more focused and dilligent.

what character are you displaying?

So, as mentioned before, I've been running at a somewhat superficial level for a few weeks now. Not that I haven't done any good thinking but nothing that has caused me to really reflect. Well, today my little mind has been spinning! This is where I'm going to hash out these thoughts. Keep in mind, they're not completely processed yet. These thoughts just seem to really be getting my attention, so perhaps they'll be of use to one of us.

Here goes: I frequently find myself considering God's character. Whenever I have to make a decision or I'm pondering something, I ask myself how the situation and each choice would line up with God's character. While God's specific actions may be different, he never acts outside his character.While he may not directly give me a how to for every situation, He has set a precedent through his steadfast character. I LOVE that about Him!
This made me wonder, do my words and actions portray the character that I want to have? Obviously, my words and actions display the truth of my heart (this is way too complicated a topic to try to explain, so yes, I'm generalizing, keeping in mind that sometimes our actions do not line up with our desires, see Roman 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.")

I want to be considered a servant of God first of all, then I'd like to be seen as loyal, steadfast, diligent, helpful, loving, generous, energetic, spontaneous. When I'm thought of, I want it to be known that I follow through, I do what I say I'm gonna do, I'm not afraid to go all out for God or for anyone in need. I want others to see me making every moment count. I don't want to wake up someday and say "I wish I hadn't said no to ..."

While the list is quite long, I think they all have merit. Of course, they are not necessarily in order of importance or anything. It seems to me that our character is not defined by the big moments. It's easy to do the right thing when there's a lot on the line. It's easy to make the choice when everyone is watching or when you know it's a big deal. What really shows our character is the little things. Do I do the right thing in the small moments, when no one's watching? Do I say yes to God when no one else will ever know? Do I follow through time after time? It seems that consistency is the real revealer. God is consistent. He was, He is, and always will be. The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. In order to know that our own character has been refined, we must look for consistency.

Give it some thought. What character do you display? Is it who you want others to see?

a lack of thoughts

So, I realize that I haven't posted a blog in a while. Really that's not a big deal. I never did it before. In my teen years, I wrote in a journal every single day just to sum up what was on my mind. It's kind of nice to have them to go back and look at. During my separation from Floyd, I also kept a journal. Not every single day but periodically. It was my escape. It allowed me to get out all the stuff I wanted to say but God told me was a bad idea. It is also nice to look back on. The moments might have been bad but the lessons learned have so much value.

I guess what has me astonished today is that I haven't really had anything on my mind in weeks. It seems that life and time are flying by. Perhaps I'm so caught up that I haven't slowed down long enough to think. In some ways it's good but in others it's bad. Right now, I'm looking at a couple of hours of working on the finances (my financial peace university homework). Since I was voted the nerd for this year, I'll be doing the groundwork and Floyd will just be adding in his occassional opinion. It's really interesting how well we can trade off the roles. We're pretty good at it.

Anyway, since I've been puzzled by my lack of thoughts for a few weeks now, I decided to document it. Perhaps next time I'll be more interesting!