Wrestling with God...

This is LONG but I ask that you keep reading because in my little world, this is BIG, actually HUGE!

Wrestling with God…anyone that goes to my church has heard that phrase more times this year than probably in their entire lives combined. My church has been on a journey of growth and change for quite a while and this year it really went big with the Movement to Multiply. The underlying point is a capital campaign to pay off debt and enable the church to grow out in abundance. In order to reach people for Christ, we must grow out, so it makes perfect sense. So Bruce (our senior pastor) began to ask everyone to commit to a deeper level of communication with God for a time period of 2 weeks. During this time you were to pray about how God might want you to be involved in this movement. Bruce called this “wrestling with God” and mentioned the story of Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32.

Of course, Bruce had no idea that I’d been wrestling with God for months already! Back in January, I reached the point of total loss in how to help my son succeed in school. Driving from Sherman to McKinney is a long trip, so I decided that I’d drive in complete silence and listen for God to speak to me. I cried out, “Lord, my ideas are all gone; you have to tell me exactly what to do for my son!” (If you don’t know the background of my son, just know that school has always been a struggle for him and he’s 10 now.) As I drove along in silence, I was literally crying and waiting for God to speak to me. Now, I’ve prayed many times before and have felt the hands of God but I wouldn’t say that I’m really good at discerning His voice. Suddenly, more clear than at any other time in my life, God told me to homeschool my children (not just this son, all 3 children). Of course, I immediately began to argue with Him and doubt my sanity.

And thus began my adventure; my wrestling with God.

I have always worked. I’m a teacher because that’s what God told me to do. How could I stay home? We NEED my income! After moments of arguing and doubting, a name popped in my head; it was a friend from church (not a close friend but someone that I respected and would love to be better friends with). I didn’t even think I had her number. Finally, I checked my contacts and found her husband’s name. After a few more minutes of arguing, I dialed the number. Sure enough, she answered! She probably thought I was crazy. All I remember is telling her that God told me to call her and crying. She was so great! I gave her a little bit of the story and we made plans to get together the next week.

This friend gave me all sorts of information and committed to joining me in prayer about the situation. Since then, we’ve become better friends and I look forward to growing together. Also, I enlisted another friend (really a sister, just not biologically) to pray for this situation as well. I don’t have sufficient words to express my gratitude for their support and encouragement in this journey!

Surely I had lost my mind or hallucinated. I have a tendency to be extreme in everything, so maybe God just wanted me to make my kids a bigger priority and give up other commitments. Believe me; I looked for every possible way that I could have misunderstood God’s direction. I began to read a book called “Discerning the Voice of God,” started the study “Called and Accountable,” and prayed with everything I had. I really needed to know for sure that I had heard God.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to homeschool my kids. I know it would be good for them but it also comes with a lot of responsibility. What if I failed them? Could I really be organized and diligent enough to educate 3 children on my own? And of course, there’s that one HUGE problem. We NEED my income! At the point that this wrestling with God began, Floyd didn’t even have a job. Now he has a job and God has been gracious but it still couldn’t meet our needs on its own (at least not on paper).

All through my efforts to figure this out, the direction never changed. In fact, it just became more and more clear. God wants me to homeschool my kids. While Floyd knew that I was praying about this, I hadn’t really told him the depth of this issue. I was being tormented! That’s the best way I can describe it. My mind never had a moment’s peace! Finally, I had to tell him. I needed him to pray hard because I needed God to give him the answer. He’s the head of the house and God uses our spouses to communicate with us. I needed Floyd to be in this conversation. This is not a decision I could make on my own.

Meanwhile, the church wanted us to wrestle with God about the movement to multiply. To be frank, I really didn’t want another thing to wrestle with God about. I had been wrestling for 4 months at this point. Ironically, Floyd and I finally made a decision about homeschooling just weeks before the leaders were to make their commitments. I was going to resign from my job, my very secure job. While other teachers are praying that they have a job, I was going to walk away. To say the least, if we wrote down a commitment of $5 it would be a stretch. That five dollars would have to come straight from the hands of God. Never the less, God gave us a number. I won’t go into detail but it’s definitely a far cry from $5.

So, where’s all this going? I have no idea! We made our commitment to the church and I’ve officially resigned from Sherman. I’ve registered the kids for a local homeschool group so that we’re connected and accountable. The kids and I are very excited. We even joke about having to live in a tent when we lose our house. My daughter has given our homeschool the name “Leap of Faith Christian Academy” because that’s exactly what we’re doing; taking a leap of faith.

I don’t know how it’s going to work out. I can’t do any magic math to make the finances work. When I think about the money, I’m terrified. I start to doubt whether I really heard God. Then I quickly remember the months of prayer and the tormenting. I am at peace with this decision (as long as I’m not focused on money). I feel in my soul that this is the right decision. I know it is completely illogical but I also know that God’s thoughts are higher than ours. It doesn’t have to make sense.

I feel like Abraham might have when God told him to leave his home. He had no idea where he was going but he went. Since I know that God never fails us, I can only sit back and wait to see His work in this. I’d really like a five or ten year plan (heck, at this point, one year would be nice) but He’s asking me to take one day at a time. I realize that it could be bad, from a worldly perspective. We may struggle financially or maybe He’ll move in ways that are beyond our imagination. Either way, as long as I’m in His hands, I will not fear!