It's been months since I've actually said anything (at least on the blog). I have had a lot going through my mind but find that I'm being told to be quiet (or maybe I'm just reluctant to say what I'm really thinking). If you keep reading, prepare yourself because the gate has been opened and I do not know what might flow forth.
First, I've been wrestling with God for several months on a particular command that I heard quite clearly. It was one of the most clear moments of my life and yet it is also one of the scariest. Could He have really said what I heard? I must be completely confused! It makes absolutely no sense, at least from any human perspective. (Yes, I'm being vague and no, I won't come out in this post. It's not time yet but read on.) I've wrestled way more than I let on to anyone. I did finally open a little more to my dear friend Lisa and to Floyd. Once I did that, the decision came much faster. Floyd and I finally made a decision less than a week ago. Of course, only a few days later Floyd was hospitalized with Pancreatitis and it was plenty of reason for us to start doubting our decision. What would this be like if it had happened a few months from now? Throughout this past few days, God has demonstrated His active role in our lives. I can't even begin to tell all the amazing things He's done just in two days. Believe me, if you run into me around town, I might talk your ear off in my excitement! It seems to have confirmed our decision and we are still in agreement. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll know soon enough.
Second, I've had two things really bothering me for a couple of months now. First, I have come to appreciate audiobooks and having the Bible on cd. I listen to them as I drive to work and around town. A lot of my listening had to do with hearing the Holy Spirit and with the Apostles. After Jesus ascended to heaven and the Holy Spirit came, the people were on fire (not literally). The apostles set out to share the message and new believers were told to join in the effort. The people were radical. To everyone else they seemed completely crazy! The visual I have is someone adding feul to a fire and fanning the flames.
Now, in our world, it seems that we're always asking people to be logical. Someone shares something exciting and we start asking questions to see if it makes sense. We try to calm them down because of course we don't want others to think they're crazy. We don't want them to seem like a religious freak or a Bible beater. We're worried that it doesn't make financial sense or it doesn't look good on paper.
For the last few months I've had this on my mind. I don't want to be a calm-down kind of person. I want to hear someone's excitement and add fuel to the fire! Of course, I want to be directed by God but I'd rather err on the side of reacting with passion as opposed to looking at everything logically or not reacting at all out of fear or uncertainty. The Bible makes it clear that His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. It makes me wonder, if we can make sense of everything in our lives, maybe we're missing something. Maybe we haven't really been responding to His call. Something should be beyond our logic.
Now, I know some of you might be getting a little worried. I've never really been described as a calm person before and I really do enjoy being a bit crazy. I'm always telling my children that crazy is a good thing. I feel that it is only right to prepare them because with Floyd and I as their parents, they don't have much chance of not being crazy. (I know that sounds like I'm being silly but I mean it sincerely.) I wish I could offer you comfort but, alas, I cannot. I'm feeling a desire to be more radical. To step out more for God. To really lean on Him and respond to His calling and go wherever it leads. Who knows where that will take us.
The second thing on my mind is really just the result of some life lessons that I've experienced several times. This may be hard to explain, so bear with me. For some reason, one of the gifts that God has given me is to look at a situation and see it without any bias. I can have a conversation on any topic and get as heated as you can imagine and have no personal feelings of negativity towards anyone involved in the conversation. It really boils down to an ability to speak the truth without any strings attached. Often times this gets me in trouble. I really enjoy debate and I truely believe that to learn we must participate in active discourse with those who feel differently than we do. Unfortunately, I've learned that most people can't have a candid conversation without attaching feelings to it. It usually ends up in one of two ways. 1) I walk away feeling pumped up because I greatly enjoyed a great debate and now have more research to do. I have to go look into the points that the other person brought up because it's great for personal growth. The other person walks away feeling like we just got into a huge argument and they have hurt feelings or are angry or some other form of negative feelings. Or 2) I walk away feeling like I got no where because I was simply trying to point out a particular area that could be improved or done differently and the other person didn't seem to want to hear anything or thought I was just being difficult.
It's hard to get people to understand that you're just telling them what you see because it could make a difference. Of course, if they disagree with my thoughts, I'm okay with that. I just want to point it out and move on. I'd hate to regret it later because I didn't say something that could have made a difference. I'm always checking myself and praying for clarity on my motivation. Frequently, I just keep my mouth shut because I know that most people don't really want to hear the truth. Or they don't want to hear an opinion outside their own.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people do the same thing the same way simply because that's the way they do it. That makes absolutely no sense! If we want to be logical, we should start by recognizing that change is difficult but good. Also, I believe that variety is a good thing. Mix things up and keep people guessing. Our brain is so intricate. We need repition for learning but we also need variety for our imagination and to keep us interested. Also, God made people so different. We all have commonalities but we are created by a creative God. For example, we are all designed to live in relationship with others but we form relationships with different kinds of people and in different ways. I may connect more in a certain form that completely turns off another person. As a leader/teacher/etc. we must recognize this difference. We must look beyond our own method of connection and look pass the "squeaky wheels" (a term of endearment for those that speak up for themselves). Our first tendency is to teach/lead/communicate in the way that we prefer and the second is to respond to the requests of the "squeaky wheels." As a teacher, if I don't notice my quiet students that don't say much, they will leave my classroom having never made a connection. How sad that I missed such an amazing opportunity. The same could be said in a life group or church or any other setting.
Wow, I'm not even sure how many different tangents I've been on in this post but if you've read this far, I'd be glad to hear your thoughts. As stated above, I'm curious to hear if you agree or disagree with anything. :) Perhaps this longevity is the reason that I don't write often. Or maybe I should write more often to avoid this longevity :) Either way, so long for now.
